I Have Opinions. Frak Off.

Okay, so Wolverine…er, sorry, X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE…was not that bad. Or perhaps my brain is still soiled with the splattery mess that was X-Men: The Last Stand (seriously: was watching the second movie last night and remembering that total fucking thrill I got when the Phoenix shadow shows up in the closing seconds. Yeah. RUINED).

But anyway, this one, it moves. It has a tiny Cyclops (also: a tiny FROSTLOPS, but let’s not hold that against it too much). Hugh Jackman is as snarly and sweaty and ferociously charismatic as ever. It’s…entertaining?

The only thing I found distractingly silly was the big parade o’ mutants approach — a pretty blatant attempt to test out new spin-off characters. Do you like this one? How about this one? No? Maybe THIS ONE.

The most likely spin-off candidate seems to be Deadpool, who may be the only character in the entire Marvelverse that I’m entirely neutral on. So…I guess that’s fine? I don’t really get the Ryan Reynolds thing, but obviously I am in the minority on that one.

Just no Gambit. Please.

Back when Buffy ruled the not-quite-network airwaves, I posted episode reviews on my Diaryland. That’s right — DIARYLAND. Shut up. Now I’m posting some of them here so you can see how much Teenage Me 1) loved Oz and 2) hated Buffy’s fashion “sense.”

This week: “Consequences.” I hated the Faith-Bad thing while it was happening, but now that I know the endgame? Pretty frakkin’ great. And yes, I like Wesley now, too. ALSO: I still own a bra strap headband.

“Consequences”

Gather ’round, friends — it’s time for another game of Loving It or Hating It, as applied to this week’s episode. Don’t they (the infamous, all-knowing “they” people) always say that good television provokes strong reactions? I don’t really remember, but I’m going to play my little game, regardless — you can either join in or sit in the corner by yourself and pout. It makes no difference.

Wesley, the New Watcher: Hating It! Does he suck or what? He fusses, he whines, he screws up the whole Faith rehabilitation thing. For an encore, he ogles Cordelia. “My, she is cheeky isn’t she?” (Insert image of me sticking finger down throat)

Willow’s Reaction to Faith: Loving It! In the sea of chaos, Willow is pragmatic, firm, and quietly wounded. Yet she’s still there to support Buff unconditionally when she finally breaks down, and her teary moment in the bathroom (after she learns that Xander and Faith slept together) is the episode’s single most heart-breaking moment.

Turning Faith Bad: Hating It…but torn. No one is a bigger Faith advocate than I, and it is extremely annoying that they’ve turned her into this season’s resident baddie. Sure, Trick wasn’t working out, and the Mayor doesn’t really have the cool cachet of Spike and Dru, but still. On the other hand, she at least provides a worthy adversary for our Slayer, and check out those leather pants.

Buffy’s Bra Strap Headband: Loving It in a major way! Very simple and hip, and the little bauble attached at the side is nice.

Angel the Lurker: Mostly just Annoyed by It. The guy gets his own spin-off, and all of a sudden we’re back to his season one antics — lurking in the shadows, spouting very few lines, and wearing lots of black trenchcoats. He redeems himself by saving Xander, but enough already.

Buffy’s Devotion to Faith: Loving It, almost to the point of being moved. Buffy’s need to save her friend is sweet and touching, and it’s nice to see her channeling that fierce determination to a cause separate from the usual business of slayage. Of course, we know she’s gonna get suckered eventually.

Well, what do you know? It’s a fairly even split between the good and the bad. Of course, all of that could change next week — especially if Buffy takes to crimping her hair again.

I know a lot of people think the Prime Directive is made to be violated.
I can already hear you shouting in that fucking shouty geek way. “It’s dramatically necessary!” you are saying. “Any Trek captain worth his or her salt will get on that shit immediately!”

I, on the other hand, have always maintained that the general concept of non-interference is a pretty good idea (probably could’ve got home a lot sooner if you hadn’t dicked so many Delta Quadrant societies around, Janeway).

It is, in fact, even a good idea when applied to our deceptively simple twenty-first century one-on-one relationships. I mean, look: most humans are kind of assholes. Entangling yourself with your fellow man — or woman — means you will carelessly entrust others with vital information about yourself. Information they may not be ready for.

Or, even more likely, information they will use against you. Trust me: the first tiny, spiteful chance they get, your fellow human will fuck you over. And then where will you be? Suddenly, the Alien Society of You is locked in full-on civil war, damaged beyond repair.

Now don’t get all armchair psychologisty on me. My Alien Society is getting on just fine, thanks. But it’s because I learned my lesson pretty early on. It’s because I studiously apply my own personal Prime Directive whenever possible.

It works. Maybe it could work for you, too. Ya hearin’ me, Janeway?

Back when Buffy ruled the not-quite-network airwaves, I posted episode reviews on my Diaryland. That’s right — DIARYLAND. Shut up. Now I’m posting some of them here so you can see how much Teenage Me 1) loved Oz and 2) hated Buffy’s fashion “sense.”

Here’s “The Zeppo,” which all the fanboys I know seem to LOVE. I thought — and still think — it was pretty good, but not quite on the LOVE level.

“The Zeppo”

I know you’re probably sick of my ragging on our Slayer’s occasional fashion mishaps, and so I feel the need to justify myself before I start picking on her this week. Fashion, you see, is a very important component to this show, at least as vital as more traditional storytelling devices such as plot and character. A pastel tank top, as they say, is worth a million words, and as a critic, I must take these things into consideration in order to provide you, the loyal reader, with the most fair, precise and well-rounded review as possible. That said…

Note to Buffy: stop crimping your hair.

OK, now onto those more traditional devices. There seem to be two schools of thought on this episode, which is told from the point of view of young Xander, sometimes seen as the “useless” member of the Scooby Gang. Some think this ep is rather brilliant, a sharp little satire of normal “Buffy” goings on. Others believe it to simply be poorly edited. My guess is it lies somewhere in between — a great, funny concept that’s not exploited quite as much as it should be.

Xander, you see, is feeling at his peak of loser-ness. All of his friends are “special” in some way — Slayer, witch, werewolf — and he is all left out and sent on such flunky-esque tasks as fetching donuts while everyone else gets to save the world. In the span of this episode, however, he hangs out with some dead guys, gets his groove on with Faith, and saves the school from being blown up. Naturally, there are some great moments to be had, largely because Xander is at his best when he’s completely pathetic. Sure, it was fun to see him attracting the amorous advances of both Cordelia and Willow, but his wisecracks are much better when he actually has something to be bitter about.

Anyway, there are some bits of brilliance leading up to the big finale, particularly Xander’s interrupting of a patented Buffy/Angel sob scene. The best stuff, though, is in the last 20 minutes. There’s some great intercutting between the carnage in the library (many slimy things popping out of the wall) and Xander’s own lesser (yet still life-threatening) adventure. The last scene in particular is an especially nice spoof of a “serious” final scene. There’s the overly portentous dialogue, the churchly music…and yet we still don’t know quite what happened except that Buff seems to have saved the world again — probably what poor Xander feels every week. Overall, I just wish the entire episode was as sharp as these final moments — they could have taken the entire concept just a bit further and ended up with a classic.

A nice in-between outing, though, and you gotta love Willow’s attempt at self-analysis: “Occasionally, I’m callous and strange.” Me too, Will, only without the “occasionally” part.

Back when Buffy ruled the not-quite-network airwaves, I posted episode reviews on my Diaryland. That’s right — DIARYLAND. Shut up. Now I’m posting some of them here so you can see how much Teenage Me 1) loved Oz and 2) hated Buffy’s fashion “sense.”

I’ve decided to post these in sort-of chronological order, even though there are some gaps in my collection. So here’s another season 3 outing — “Helpless.” Which, btw, is my FAVORITE.

“Helpless”

Basically, we know from the first time we see Giles acting fishy that this entire episode is going to hinge on a climactic, emotional scene between Watcher and Slayer. The question is, will we be reduced to sobbing hysterics, or will we merely wish for more ass-kickin’?

Hold on, I’ll get to that. But first, here’s what happens: Giles pretends to teach Buffy about crystals (and why on earth would she ever need to learn about crystals? Just asking…), but really, he’s giving her some drug that makes her lose her full Slayer strength. An interesting dilemma, this is, wouldn’t ya say? Suddenly, our Buff is but a regular ol’ teenage girl, and all of her insecurities come flaring up to the surface. My heart broke a billion times over when she murmured to Angel, “If I wasn’t the Slayer…why would you like me?” Cha-ching! Classic Teen Girl Dilemma hit squarely on the head, thank you very much. For all her mooning about on My So-Called Life, Angela Chase never said it so well, so simply, so succinctly.

But wait, I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet. So, turns out, Giles is slipping Buff the proverbial mickey in preparation for a test/rite of passage thingy that involves her being locked in a room with an uber-vampire who’s ready to rumble. Yeah, OK, whatever. Giles is not at all down with said test, and, after the vamp gets a bit out of control, he clues Buffy in. Here’s where it starts, people — break out the tissues. Giles confesses. Buffy gives him her teary, doe-eyed, wounded look. They fight. Finally she concludes, very quietly, “I don’t know you.” Boo hoo! The final nail, however, comes at the very end of the episode. Buffy has defeated the vamp through her own cunning, and the big Watcher dude (played by Harris Yulin of DS9 fame) has relieved Giles of his Watcher duties. “You have a father’s love for the child,” he says. Watch as I crumple into a pile on the floor, tears flowing as they have not since “Becoming.”

Overall, this is an excellent way to explore the Buffy/Giles dynamic, and the final execution is nothing short of heart-breaking. Anthony Stewart Head, somewhat neglected for many weeks now, turns in a quiet, painful performance. There’s also plenty of good randomness — Willow wears a series of brightly-colored hats for no apparent reason, Buff tells off the big Watcher dude with a simple “Bite me,” and Oz spouts such greatness as “Ice is cool. It’s water…but it’s not.”

Ah, tear-jerking drama coupled with stoner-esque wit — what more do you want?

Back when Buffy ruled the not-quite-network airwaves, I posted episode reviews on my Diaryland. That’s right — DIARYLAND. Shut up. Now I’m posting some of them here so you can see how much Teenage Me 1) loved Oz and 2) hated Buffy’s fashion “sense.”

Here’s season 3’s “Gingerbread”…and did we ever see Willow’s mom again?! Damn.

“Gingerbread”

Who would’ve thought that Willow even had a mom? Or any kind of parental figure, for that matter? Where were they when she was in the hospital, hovering near death? Ah, well…Mom is here now that Willow is showing signs of acting out, what with the witchcraft and the dating a werewolf rock star and all.

So there are a couple of evil, demon kiddies this week. They are called Hansel and Gretal and have a very blond, somewhat washed-out look to them, like miniature James Van Der Beeks. Buff’s mom comes across their murdered bodies and immediately throws the town into a frenzy over whatever evil could have committed this act. Everyone gets really paranoid, Mom acts even crazier than usual, and we eventually learn that the kiddies are actually the guiding force behind the weirdness — but not before Buffy, Willow and Amy are almost burned at the stake, of course.

For my money, the most interesting part of all of this is Willow’s relationship with her distracted, academian mom. It’s a classic story — do-good daughter can’t get the attention of overachiever parent — but Alyson makes everything seem all fresh and new. The scene in which Willow “rebels” is particularly amusing — this episode would have been even stronger had it been told entirely from her point of view.

Still, “Gingerbread” does boast many fabulous little flourishes. There’s Cordelia’s catchphrase of the week (when she refers to someone as “a poster child for yuck”), some nice slimy moments with Principal Quark, and Giles (apparently over his cyber-phobia) participating in something called “The Frisky Watchers Chatroom.” Brilliant. Also, some nice Oz moments, which are always worth points from me. When Willow is summoned to the principal’s office, he accompanies her all protective-like — he doesn’t say a word, just places a comforting hand on her back and follows her…watch how I melt.

Final thought: is it just me, or did Buffy’s voice suddenly take on the exact cadences of Linus anticipating the Great Pumpkin when she runs the big, scary demon through with an alarmingly large stake — “Did I get it? Did I get it?” Sure ya did, Buff.

By the time I was 16, I had already gone through three Glory Gilmores. She was six inches of garishly-painted plastic with 31 points of articulation, the queen of my action figure kingdom. And yet, she kept getting lost.

Original Glory was a victim of the neighbors’ dog, her head gouged with teeth-marks and drowned in slobber. I hated that fucking dog.

Glory II was slaughtered during one of Melissa Perkins’ infamous fourth grade recess rampages. Melissa — playground enforcer and Laura Ashley-swathed devil spawn — spotted an opening when Glory fell out of my pocket during an extended run on the monkey bars. Her massive Mary Jane crushed those plastic limbs to smithereens.

Glory the Third…oh, this is a sad one. Andy Oppenheimer, who was second chair to my first chair clarinet, gave me Glory the Third for my fifteenth birthday after hearing about the untimely demises of Glorys I and II (we had a lot of time on our hands because the band director was always trying to get the goddamn trombone section in tune). Now that I look back on it, I think maybe he liked me a little bit.  Unfortunately, I was going through a rather short-lived phase of “maturity” and donated my entire action figure collection to Goodwill. I only hope Glory the Third ended up in a good home.

Of course, there was one final Glory…The Last Glory. When I lost her, it was due to one thing and one thing only: my own excruciating stupidity.

I only hope that someday she’ll find it in her heart to come back to me.